Living in my shadows.

I sit here at 1:31am on a Saturday night tangled up in restless thoughts that need some place to go.

Ever since I had the opportunity to move into my own place, I have had a lot more time to sit with myself and figure out this life I’m living…it’s interesting, this quiet. It’s interesting what comes up. I’ve had time to study, read, and just sit on my bed…sometimes I find myself staring blankly through my window at the brick wall that I call my view.

What’s come up, you may ask? A lot of stuff. I can’t tell if its this move, the Seva Challenge, or a combination of both that has caused a stir, but something inside of me has shifted a little bit and I can tell that it’s something that needs to be worked out.

The Seva Challenge was a great lesson for me, and I had the opportunity to talk to a friend tonight who gave me great insight basically to who I am as a person. He mentioned how idealistic I am (which is true…it’s a hard way to live, people), and how defeated I look after this Challenge…probably not one of the best looks for a person. Doesn’t feel too great, either.

The truth is, I am so totally flawed it’s not even funny. And the quiet has given me time to sit and consider what I love about myself, along with what I could make better. We all have those shadows…the darker sides of ourselves that we cover up with the light. But you can’t cover them up for too long.

The thing with the Seva Challenge was–I went into it so headstrong (usual) and determined (always), not letting anything get in my way. This meant that I spent the five months of my life knocking down walls, jumping over obstacles, and doing everything in my power to make this happen. People literally called me the Energizer Bunny and damn it–that’s just what it felt like.

But now that the Challenge is over, more stuff comes out. More stuff to process and learn. The Energizer Bunny side of me is running very low right now. It’s hard for me to find inspiration from anything…it’s hard to motivate myself to start a new project (though my mind is always working on something)…it’s not like me.

The attachment to the Seva Challenge and all of the people who were involved in it became so prominent and endearing that when it was over, I didn’t know what to do. And I still don’t. I’m sitting here trying to figure out my next step. I find myself anxiously looking around for the answer. How do I fill this void?

All of this mindstuff. It’s funny, isnt it. Not only am I dealing with this, but I’m also dealing with the feelings of being alone, expectations, and setting myself up for disastrous situations.

On being alone: it’s hard to get used to. When you have steady chaos in your life and then you plunge into a situation where you are living in a beautifully massive apartment that you can never fill with enough friends, that’s a challenge. I keep reminding myself of the joys of being alone. That it’s okay to not have chaos all the time.

On expectations: Gah, do they set you up for disappointment. This was my biggest shadow in 2011, and I am promising myself to not set standards/expectations in 2012. I’ve heard that life is much more fun that way.

On setting myself up for disastrous situations: It goes along with the people-pleasing side of myself. Trying to be in 20 places at once and then, at the last minute, realizing that’s not at all possible. Kind of goes with the expectations one, but it can go a different route. I’ve let a lot of people down lately because I can’t seem to get my act together when it comes to this.


So…there you have it. All my shadows laid out. It’s hard to come to terms with these flaws, but if I keep avoiding them, how in the world will I ever learn? Life is all about growth, and the only way we can grow is if we make ourselves aware of our capabilities, our insecurities, our struggles, then find a way to make each one of those things a lesson.